“I don’t believe in God.” — Bob (Dennis Quaid)
As I was looking through all of my archived reviews (a whopping total of three if you count The Tonight Show), I came to the conclusion that I am going to start looking like a movie fan-boy if I just constantly see what I want and shell out praise for classics of the past. Granted, Night of the Living Dead (1990) was by no means a classic, but it was still fairly enjoyable as was Youth in Revolt.
So I thought to myself, “Brendan…can I call you Brendan?” To which I responded, “No, that’s Mr. Wahl to you.” I then shuddered in fear at my own power over myself and responded, “I apologize, Mr. Wahl. Anyway, how are you going to write a negative review if all you do is watch good movies?” I then said, “Well, maybe I’ll go see one at the theatre that could go either way.” And as I was wheeled out of the pink-padded room, I thought that it would be a good idea to go see the film Legion.
I’ll never live that one down.
So if you don’t know the story, it basically comes down to this. I’ll even give you the official plot summary right off IMDB.com.
“An out-of-the-way diner becomes the unlikely battleground for the survival of the human race. When God loses faith in humankind, he sends his legion of angels to bring on the Apocalypse. Humanity’s only hope lies in a group of strangers trapped in a desert diner with the Archangel Michael.”
Upon reading this I thought it might be entertaining like the movie Feast or perhaps like The Mist. With the R-rating I thought, well, at least if it sucks there will be some decent blood and gore. Well, here’s the issue with that. This movie treats itself 110% seriously.
The first problem with the movie lies in the acting. When Tyrese delivers the best performance in a film, it’s time to seriously stop and consider what we’re witnessing here. Now I’m not saying that I expected Academy Award-winning performances or anything but almost everyone in the movie was chewing the scenery like it was beef jerky!
I never expected to dislike Dennis Quaid in a film, but he takes the cliche line, “I don’t believe in God” and overplays it to the nth degree. We get it, you’re an atheist which is ironic because the whole thing is about angels trying to attack and blah blah blah, you might reconsider your faith in the end, blah blah.
The other actors are nothing special either (as mentioned before, except for Tyrese). Lucas Black overdoes his southern drawl as much as he can to remind the audience that “gosh-darn it, he’s a good ole boy! Yee-haw!” Paul Bettany plays the lead (I guess) and plays an unemotional angel like…well, an unemotional human. I usually like Bettany in most things, but I think his problem here was the opposite of everyone else’s. He underplayed it too much.
Acting aside, the visual effects were pretty good for the most part with Doug Jones in particular (you might know him as Abe Sapien in Hellboy) looking really bad-ass as a crazy angel-possessed ice cream truck driver. Sometimes, the effects didn’t work so much at all though. For instance, in a scene I’m sure everyone has seen in the trailer, an old woman enters the bar and it turns out she is also possessed by an angel and starts to crawl all over the ceiling. This is the most laughable scene in the film where it’s supposed to be played for sheer shock value and scares. It just doesn’t work.
I think that’s all I can stomach in regards to this film so let’s just pull this review train to a stop. I can say vehemently that this film is DEFINITELY NOT worth peepin’.
3.5/10
Note to Self: IMDB is not to be counted on for ratings. 5.9/10 for this mess? Yeesh.
